“GAY SEX” does not exist

One bone I have to pick is the idea that there is “gay sex” when it’s all just SEX with people and various body parts either inserting or rubbing them on one another. Say it with me – IT’S SEX!

It’s natural
It’s chemical (let’s do it)
It’s logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It’s sensual
But most of all
Sex is something that we should do
Sex is something for me and you

“I want your sex” – George Michael

George Michael didn’t write a song about wanting dick or vagina, he wrote a song about sex. (Forget the cis-het video. I would imagine it would be very different if someone redid that song now.) The best part about the song, if you read it like I do, you could imagine that he’s talking to several people that could be any gender. (There’s the monogamy part too, but that’s another topic for another blog post.) And look at the album cover for the single:

I love the fact that it’s shapes of people and nothing gender defining. You can assume anything is going on under that shimmering cloth.

Where is this term coming from anyway?

For me, I often see this idea of “gay sex” come up in writing circles that mostly focus on writing two characters with penises that identify as male (see what I did there). And the discussion focuses on positions two or more folks with penises that identify as male can often maneuver into for anal sex.

Funny enough, I don’t see this come up with groups focused on people with vaginas who identify as female that are paired up. No one really calls that “gay sex” or “lesbian sex” (Maybe they do, but I haven’t seen that specifically used in the writing groups I participate in).

Lately queer oriented TV and movies are going more mainstream, which is great. But a lot of people are showing just how much they don’t understand about human sex and what’s possible.

SEXUAL POSITIONS and ACTS are NOT GENDERED.

They can be PERFORMED by ANY SEXUAL ORIENTATION or GENDER

Despite what some folks might think, almost everyone has an anus and genitals. So no matter what your sexual orientation, representation, or genitalia, you too can perform whatever sex act you’d like in whatever position you like it in.

Here’s some generalities for you and pre-requisites for performing all kinds of sexual acts with any combination of people, orientations, rep, and genitalia:

ANAL penetration pre-requisites: lube! (safety first – but I know there are some pain sluts out there – but still – be safe!), appendages (could be fingers – but you do you) or a phallice or phallice like object along with one or more anuses.

VAGINAL penetration pre-requisites: lube! (start using it early, you’ll thank me when you’re older-whether you were born with a vag or have a newly minted one). Appendages, a phallice or phallice like object, then one or more vaginas.

ORAL pre-requisites: Mouths and another human body parts, though most commonly folks use them on genitalia (You probably don’t need lube for this, but their might be circumstances – I don’t know everything).

NOTE: PLEASE only use things designed to penetrate a human orifice, or at least negotiate that shit first (consent and safety first!).

NON-PENETRATIVE pre-requisites: This is all about whatever you find sexy about someone else’s body without necessarily putting something into it. Whatever works with whatever you have that gets you off. Fingers, toes, elbows, fat rolls, who knows! Whips, chains, zappy things — your limit is your imagination, maybe lube, and possibly access to an emergency room.

Want more detailed descriptions? You can always go to this wiki page about sexual positions. (And if you do a search, there is only ONE mention of “gay” on that whole page, and it’s in the references siting a source about rimming. I did note that there are some positions that refer to a gender that assumes cis biology, but the majority of them are gender neutral.) Is that wiki a complete list? Likely not. Humans are wild like that. Plus, it doesn’t really explore sex with disabilities involved. Despite what people think, folks with disabilities like to get their freak on too.

How sex acts, gender, and orientation became mixed up with each other probably has a lot to do with colonialism and religion and likely a lot of other bullshit that I haven’t done the research on to talk about properly. But I do know that two men can have vaginal sex just as much as two women can have anal sex. And if you take gender completely the fuck out of the equation, it’s just people having sex however they damn well please.

We as writers and authors writing about sex have the responsibility to destigmatize it. Acts between consenting adults should consider the wide range of possibilities available. Limiting the range of scenes based on orientation and gender only props up these artificial barriers society places on people.

Writers, lets get more creative and do our part to broaden our awareness and therefore broaden our readers minds beyond what labels and social signifiers we use to communicate with each other.

Sex is sex. Figure out what you find attractive and desirable, then leave everything else at the metaphorical door.

Happy fucking! Don’t die!